Monday, December 30, 2013

How Patrick Got Stepped On

Dieter have best hat! Now you give sheep!
"I'm so sick of fighting those cannibal mermaids in the moat around the dungeon every time we want to go in."
"Can we ask that alchemist what we can use to poison the moat?"
"Well," he says "mercury in sufficient levels would make any body of water uninhabitable".
"How much would it take to do the whole moat? And quickly?"
"Oh, I'd say 3 large barrels."
"And where could we buy that?"
"Well, hatters use mercury for felting, but that is quite a large amount--the Hatter's Guild in Vornheim might have 3 barrels..."
"What if we got a giant hat?"
"A giant's hat might yield three barrels of mercury..."
"Ok, so we head north with a load of drunk sheep, right? And we tell the giants we're having a Best Hat Contest and the prize is 300 sheep and..."

Saturday, December 28, 2013

D30 D&Dables From The He-Man And She-Ra Christmas Special

1, Bat shield
2, Purple hair, butterfly wings
3, A device used to spy on a lich
4, Ettin: half blue half purple
5, Lich servant: alligator man
6, Blue elf wizard learning about the ceremonies of foreign cultures
7, …and saving human children from an avalanche
8, Carrium water crystal required for teleportation spell
9, Crystal swamp
10, Mermaid with Russian accent
11, Amphibious aqua tyranosaurus
12, Lavender golems that shoot beams that put you in a bubble
13, "Monstroid Central"
14, Valkyrie with flaming sword
15, Dark gaseous spirit that lives in an asteroid
16, A pair of liches that obey it
17, Hand of steel
18, Psychedelic owl
19, About to shoot a bow? You're frozen.
20, Peacock throne that has clairvoyance
21, Blue halfling with cyborg parts
22, Sword that turns into a rope like I guess Ivy from Soul Calibur
23, Tripwires against giant foes
24, Ram-horned skull staff of spell storing
25, Lich inside a flying manta ray
26, Lich with hostages marooned in the snow
27, Serpent-prowed vehicle
28, Dog left to die in the snow
29, Snowbeast vs. lich
30, A cracked, volcanic plain

Thursday, December 26, 2013

6 Simple Martial Arts Systems

The problem with most martial arts systems in D&D is they either add steps to combat (thus slowing everything down), require no in-game choices (so you barely notice them in the game)--or they focus too much on individual moves (making it into, effectively, a whole second Vancian magic system where the player has to go around "collecting" lone moves unattached to any wider fighting style in order to behave differently than other PCs in combat).

So anyway I created these simple but relatively abstracted martial arts systems. Any one school should give a practitioner a slightly different feel in a fight and a dedicated PC who went around and put in the effort to learn more than one style should find themselves with a series of useful but not cumbersome or redundant abilities.

"Should"--these are untested. Feel free to test them--#1 seems to me, at the moment, the best-designed.

Consider these martial arts to be kind of like magic items--you have to adventure to find them but, once found, yeah, you're better than you used to be.

In order to learn a school of martial arts you have to:

A) Find a teacher of that school--which should be as hard as finding a magic item.

B) Spend half the xp that would be necessary to go from the bottom of the level you're at to the bottom of the next level.

1. Drownesian

If an opponent makes an attack in close combat and misses, the opponent takes damage from your automatic skillful counterstrike as if the foe had successfully struck himself/herself. This ability counts as your attack action for the round (or the next, if you've already acted), does not have to be announced in advance and can be used once per opponent in any given encounter.

(Many D&Ds give the option to "fight defensively"--not striking a blow, but improving AC by 4. This martial arts style may be used in conjunction with this combat move.)

2. Thousand Monkey Style

Look at your Wis, Dex, Str, Con and level. Take the highest one.

First, you may also treat this score as your ascending armor class when not wearing armor, or use its modifier if wearing only leather.

Second, once per day, if you fail an ability check or to-hit roll that you would have made if your score had been equal to this higher ability score, you instead succeed. (This is how wizened old men manage to kick everyone's ass in kung fu movies--they are using their level for checks.)

This style may be "relearned" multiple times to gain the ability to substitute scores more than once per day, up to a maximum of three times.

3. Northern Mountain Fist

Your damage dice explode. (This is why kung fu people use crappy weapons like throwing stars or their fists or random pieces of wood--a d4 is way more likely to explode than a d8.) If you roll max damage twice in a row when exploding and the damage die is at least d4, you add your whole level to the damage.

Also, when unarmed, your initiative improves. It is +1 if the game usually does not have initiative modifiers standard and +1d4 each round if it does.

4. Southern Island Styles

You know a series of unarmed combat moves which make your strike in combat able to act in most practical ways identically to a single melee weapon of your choice--reach, damage, space needed, etc. So, for example, if your style gave you the abilities of a chain, you'd be able to easily entangle limbs at 10'. These moves have names unrelated to the weapons they imitate so, for example, a scimitar-imitating style might be called the Raging Sting Talon.

(Bruce Lee's 1-inch punch is clearly a style that imitates a dagger--doing d4+str damage at only the distance one would need to to use a knife. A full-on flying kick would be more like a 2 handed sword--big damage, but needing a lot of room.)

You also have the option to choose a style imitating a throwable melee weapon such as a throwing axe or dagger--this allows the martial artist to leap, traveling the distance the weapon would travel, strike, and land near the target or leap back to where they began (and only there) on their melee turn. (Arrows, spears, javelins and other long-distance projectiles may not be imitated.)

Multiple Southern Island styles may be learned from the same teacher--the PC chooses the weapon in each case.

5. School of the Purple Lotus Emperor

Once per day, the character may focus ki energy and roll a d30 in lieu of whatever die or dice the situation normally calls for. The choice to roll the d30 must be made before any roll. The d30 cannot be rolled for generating character statistics or hit points.

6. School of the Golden Mantis

Gain a Kung Fu number. "Re-learning" this style of martial arts through more practice (spending more xp) can grant a PC a maximum of 5 kung fu numbers.

Wednesday, December 25, 2013

How To Get D&D Dice In A Pop-O-Matic Bubble--Cheap

Valhalla, I am coming.

Step 1: Get yourself a copy of Trouble. (Thanks Mandy!)
This is the one I got. Poor fucking yellow peg has no idea.

Note resemblance to Edvard Munch's "The Scream". 

Step 2: Get yourself a full set of tiny dice (thanks whoever sent me mine, it was ages ago and I forgot where I got them, I'm a jerk and I'm sorry--oh wait, they're the dice that came with LOTFP!).
I suggest you take out the extra d10--otherwise it gets crowded in the bubble and the d4 doesn't always flip.

Also: probably don't get those little metal ones. The exact reason they're good normally--they're heavy despite their size--is why they don't flip well in the bubble. Likewise, the reason regular tiny dice suck--they fly all over--is why they work in the bubble.

Step 3: Flip the Trouble board over and, using a flathead screwdriver, carefully pry the central hatch open. Go clockwise or counterclockwise, loosening the "north" then the "east" then the "south" side, etc.

Step 4: Marvel at the simplicity of the pop-o-matic bubble's construction: it's just a piece of sheet metal in a frame. It's not even glued in, just sandwiched between the hatch and the bubble.

From the bottom up, it's: hatch, sheet metal, dice, bubble.
Take the sheet metal and original die out and put your dice in.
Then close it up and test it.
Then take all the bits out again because you'll probably wanna trim the board down now and if you leave the bubble and dice intact while you do that they'll probably fly all over the place.

Step 5:  Trim down the board so it's just the bubble.
I used pinking shears to cut through the original rim, then scored the board with a razor in a straight line all the way across a few times, then bent it. It tore fairly clean.
Just do that 4 times.
Tip: don't trim the board too close to the bubble--you want there to be enough plastic left for the hatch to not get warped.

(At this point, you might be asking: Hey, why not trim it first and then pop the hatch? Because having the rest of the board there gives you more leverage and makes the whole operation easier.)

Step 6: Once it's trimmed, reassemble the bits. Flip it bubble-up and hammer the corners so the hatch gets stuck on nice and tight. Then put tape around the edges--this will keep the hatch on (though you can go ahead and glue it, too)--and will keep the sharp hard plastic edges from cutting anybody.
If you did it right, all the dice should roll each time you pop.

Step 7: Go "Yay, now I can roll all the dice at the push of a button! But...what will I play?????" And go buy a pdf of Vornheim for 2.50$ at RPGnow.

Monday, December 23, 2013


Former Toffy With Vino!

Fifth Ivory Wormy Often!

Wintry Hoof Vim Effort!

Forfeit Ivy Mown Froth!

Verify Onto Fifth Worm!
Refortify if Vow Month!

What costs 2.50$ ? That's less than one High Life.

The PDF of Vornheim--that city book I put out: 2.50$.

As is Qelong (best southeast asian D&D supplement ever, best map ever) and Seclusium (best Vincent Baker thing ever) and Carcosa (best and most useful hexcrawl-product ever).

For the price of this: can get pretty much everything LOTFP ever put out.

Lots of rules and terribleness, cheap for the holidays.

Saturday, December 21, 2013

Intimations in the Gilded Isles

Dear Connie,
Everybody is still waiting for your advice but, hey, I know you've been busy.

Anyway: remember that session where you ate future Mandy's brain? So you know some spells she had ready and have "erratic knowledge of the future"?

Well here's some of the echoes you hear in your sleep. Do what you like with them over the coming weeks....

(the tropical archipelago where our heroes currently find themselves)

Iron roads
Drain swine
Rain noise
A weird snow
Eon swords


Garden of the Bone Sorcerer
(the dungeon the party just broke into)

Cobra Throne
Scorn Forge
Crossbreed Ogre
Gore Drone
Crone Orb Seer

City of Asacaracc
(Dim island metropolis of bleak atrocities)

Icy Cysts
Fey Rift
Fatty Coast

Lake Hali
(In which Asacaracc dimly is mirrored)

Alkali Hail

Black Pyramid
(Where the White Leopard Orchid zombies were taking things from the Gardens of the Bone Sorcerer)

Lick Mark
Mad Imp
Ymrik Dirk

Eel King's Library
(Recently unearthed within the Gardens)

Grey Ink Labels
Eyeball Key
Binary Layering
Reign of the Glib King
Realign Gallery
Bleary Girl

Viridian Knight
(Servant of glistening Tiamat, subject of great sacrifices)

Invading Triad
Divining Grid
Virgin Hive
Grinding Hand

Ot Etf'a Imit Melpa 
(One of the larger collections of spires, steps and stupas in the Drownesian jungle)

Fatal Appetite
Impale Fetal Female
Metal Foam
Temple of Tiamat

Dalafesh Opnow

Flesh Wasp
Deaf Pasha
Fondled Opal
Shown A Panda
Falsehood, False Shape, Pawn
Plane Of Shadow

Lotus Sinecure
(The largest Drownesian city on the isle)

Rescue Cute Niece
Courtier Coleus
Tenuous Line
Soul Cure
Oust Tier
Nice Couture Entices
Untrue Noise
Unseelie Court
Suet Utensil
Silent Neurotic

Friday, December 20, 2013

My 9th Level Thief On The Morality of Dungeons & Dragons

Yeah, the Lotus Monks gave us soup and detected as Lawful but in The Blighted Lands of Yeso, what is the Law?

The law is 50,000 starving refugees, poison rivers, naga cults, families selling their daughters for rice and I find out these monks have a treasure room that'd make Pope Alexander VI blush? Yeah I backstabbed them. And the wizard webbed them, and Paul killed the Muscle Lich Monk with a +3 spear just to get the diamond in his heart.

We killed them like we killed the Necromancer of the Horned Tower and the vampires of Wessex and the Cult of Anubis and the Sorcerer of Bone Hill and Baron Strahd von Zarovich (twice) and the Hill Giant King. And we took their stuff. How could you not? That's why you kill kings. They have a monopoly on stuff.

Call me a thief? Ok, well I am a thief, name level, thank you very much and it took over an Orcus worth of xp to get there. Call me an imperialist? Fuck you, I'm Robin Hood.

I get xp for stealing what the rich have--but not for keeping it. Not for making investments, loansharking, building plantations, or bribing myself into a position of power, I just get it for taking it from the 1%. After killing them for being bastards.

If the children of your world take a life lesson from that: good.

Is there a single more honorable profession, in these days of grim toil and gruesome inequity, than thief? Is there any fate for an emperor more just than to be Murdered and any act more necessary for the improvement of humanity than to Take His Stuff?

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to collect some donations for the lower Snail Quarter orphans' hospital.
Are you a homeless orphan? Click to enlarge and follow the arrow


Thursday, December 19, 2013

The Plane Of Shadow

Artists frequently imply that they've seen dark and endless cities, barely inhabited. These are intimations of the Plane of Shadow.

The Plane of Shadow isn't evil, it isn't even miserable, it's just unbearably melancholy.
The pipes creak, the moon sags, you can always hear the wind. The clocks never match. There is no society, there are no wholly ordinary rooms.

There are no parties. The inhabitants are barely aware of one another.
There is disgust, but very little gore. Gore implies life and signs of life are sparse. It is city-as-dungeon. It is Dark City as if it were in black and white, long ago, and much much better. The Plane Of Shadow is very goth and not very metal. Yes, there is probably a god in an alcove.

It is cryptic, cold and--despite having no civilizations--civilized. It is as if the city took over the world and then was hit by a neutron bomb.
There are no shopkeepers in the shops. There are no beholders, but there are lone, lurking, nightmare goblins. There is no good laughter.

There is no shopping, but there is espionage and trade. This is traded for that. This secret for that knife, this mask for that hourglass. There is a thriving trade in knives, masks and hourglasses. There is no mead, ale, or beer, only wine.
There are mirrors and they are all weird. There are revenants, leopards, gnats, vampires, deformities, serpents, lizards, golems and jackals. There are no leprechauns, hydras, pixies, dragons, wolverines, zombies, ogres, or giants. The only living things are hieratic, symbolic, stylized, death-aligned--there is nothing vivid--nothing that is full of real sweat and wild life. The zoo has a rhiniceros and a mantis but not a hippo or an otter. It is surreal but never gonzo.
There is knowledge here, and treasure. Everything forever lost is there now. A lost-forever key is, for example, still in our own world (in a gorge or under a rug in a chapel), but if the Fates are assured that Ragnarok will come before that key is found, its twin appears in the Plane of Shadow, and has always been there.
It is old. Dreams send instructions how to reach it, and they'll be wrong the next day. None of the imperatives are rational--none are hunger, thirst, money; everything is some inscrutable obsession.
There are secret doors, moving walls, windows on doors and doors through windows, cubist architecture, time problems, anomalies.  But somehow it's never a funhouse.

Wednesday, December 18, 2013

Thirsty For Ideas? If So, Dare Try This For Thirty Daisies, Friday Theorists

Stuck for an idea? The anagram server knows all...

Tell me about Ravenloft, o mighty oracle.

(rvn lft)

1. venal fort
2. fart novel

Too true, o device. Tell me, I'm stuck for next week, who serves the Bone Sorcerer?

Crone Orb Seer

Cool, can you give me some campaign ideas?

Pigmace naiads.

Ice magi pandas.

Pagan dais mice.

Aged psi maniac.

Ok, those are good, but I kind of wanted to start with the setting I was already using...

Forgotten Realms?

Storefront gleam

A Golfers Torment

Frost Rot Melange

Got feral monster?

World of Greyhawk?

Dark fey who growl

Why folk draw gore

Why work, feral dog?

Why dorkrage flow?

Of her gawky drow

Cute, but I can't really use any of that--what else is in there?

Dark wharf

Flaky keyword dwarf

Rowdy frog growl

Wolf ogre

Yardwork hog

Whale god

Keep on the Borderlands?

A ton of pork

A blended seedbed

A hornet knot

A bonded kestrel

Halberd orks

Resplendent bladed throne

Thorn depths

Dense desert stone

Drabnosed blatherer

Tomb of Horrors?

Throb room

Orb robot

Hobo mobs


To mundane ruin

Dour nun inmate

Urine ant mound

Uranium tendon

Unmounted mediator

Dominated urn

Untrained mount

Runt dame

Inordinate Mead Inn

Daemon ruination unit

Undreamt moan

Unmade drummer

Dream domain

Minuet rotunda

Main rout rune

Round atom

Rotund moaner

Death Frost Doom?

Dread foot moths

Dated hoof storm

Hatred moods

Mastodeth Froth

Rat food hoard

Serf tooth ad

Caverns of Thracia?

Charts of variance

Rot chief caravans

Hive front vines

Ethnic avatars

Chaos froth river

Craftier fanatic archer


Morn hive larvae

Vermin riven rink

Liar lava

Knave ankh

Harm raven


Iron roads

Drain swine

Rain or sand noise


A weird snow

Dawn wires

Rosedawn ore wand

Eon swords

Seawind drowners

Dark Sun-Carcosa?

Our dank carcass

Anus-cock radar

Ransack duo

Crack-rod saunas

Rancor aura

Sodas adorn an urn

Sunk orcas

Arson ducks

Rack road

Secret of Bone Hill?

Obscene flirt hole

October flesh line

Steel elfin brooch

Forcible snot heel

Blotchier eon elfs

Elite oreos

Heroin feline

Try it with your own setting, like so....

Nightwick Abbey?

Baby-chewing kit



Monday, December 16, 2013

So You've Decided To Rest In Town Before Going Back Into The Dungeon!

(created by Google Plus DIY D&D community in this thread) (A few notes from me are in parenthesis)

(Roll D100 once per day of rest)

1. A trading caravan arrives in town, selling unusual and exotic items from distant lands.

2. Taxman has found out about the PCs expedition, demands (roll d4) 20%, 25%, 40%, or 50% of GP found.

3. There's a fancy party and everyone important is invited, the PCs aren't.

4. Whatever passes as the town's sewer backs up and produces: (1d6)
1-3) An unwholesome encounter.
4-5) An unpleasant discovery. 
6) An unexpected windfall.

5. A group of priests on a pilgrimage is passing through. They offer (knowledge/magical healing/poison/assassination/lovemaking/skill training).

6. Another party is being feted by the local nobility for exactly the deed the PCs party has done.

7. Another party is being prosecuted by the local law for exactly the deed the PCs party has done.

8. Festival of Lies; to please the devils of deception everyone is lying today. Speaking the truth brings bad luck. (roll d4: 1-2 PCs are told immediately, 3-4 They aren't)

9. The city is re-enacting their victory against Orcish hordes twenty years ago. The city watch will be portraying the Orcs, and they're fed up with losing every year.

10. Some underground dwelling animals are collapsing one random building every night. So far 1d10 people have died.

11. Rioters are building barricades on the main street and encouraging the populace to rise up against their oppressors.

12. The dungeon denizens offer a bounty of 1.000 GP per PC, dead or alive.

13. the denizens of the town are doing their normal routines but fast asleep. Disturbing their routines makes them fall down catatonic

14. As you approach the Square of Orgos, Lord of the Dance, a miraculous site greets you. There is a hole in the center of the square. It is about 50 yards across, and, though these lands are pleasant and warm, bitter winds howl forth from the void in a blizzard of snow and sleet. From below, varicolored lights shine forth, and a pulsing, pounding beat can be heard.

15. Fox's Festivus! Folk come from farms afar for a day of sports, melee, arts & crafts, cooking, agriculture, science, alchemy, puppetry, blackmail, bribery, theft and/or foul rituals. Opposed skill check vs the best of the backward, with participants risking ridicule, injury or misfortune for gains of fame, cash and prizes.

16. The townsfolk are distraught that somebody's swiped the magic amulet off the restraining sarcophagus that stops the townsfolk from turning into vampires. It must be put back immediately.

17: A loudly proselytizing cleric steps down from his wooden crate and confronts one of the PCs telling them he has vital information that could help them, repeating some cryptic information in his tirade. Before they depart he delivers a minor prophecy of little consequence, and when the prophecy comes true later that evening afterward the cleric is nowhere to be found.

18. A local landowner starts expanding the town's waterfront. Even if there isn't a significant body of water around.

19. You Klutz. You dropped the ring (important item, key, etc.) down into the sewer! (Zak's note: I wouldn't just impose this, myself, I'd make up somebody trying to steal it.)

20. The neighbouring town starts poaching animals, goods and people. They're building some sort of giant boat/wickerman/museum.

21. The midnight wizard aspirant procession. Students done with the cloistered college life may be wooed from the sidelines to join an adventuring party.

22: An obviously poor woman struggling to carry two large baskets filled with dirty laundry is knocked down in front of the PCs by two teenage boys who run off with her small purse of coins. One of the boys is an important noble's son who is bored and whiling away his time with mischief.

23.  A chicken comes cartwheeling and sidewinding down the street between legs and through the crowd screaming "Help! He's trying to kill me! He already killed my brother!" and soon after a butcher comes chasing after the chicken. If the PC interferes, only he/she can understand the chicken (it has Int 8 and can speak to the PC but is otherwise unremarkable).

24. Local graveyard is vandalised. (1d6 3 times)
The locals blame:
1-3 Visiting adventurers (ie the PCs)
4-5 Undead
6 Local youths

It was actually:
1 Another adventuring party.
2 A hireling of the PCs. 
3-5 Bored local youths. 
6 Undead. 
It unleashes:
1-3 Mob of villagers with pitchforks.
4-5 An investigation by the watch.
6 An ancient and unspeakable curse. (ie Undead)

25. Ergotism outbreak - you shouldn't have eaten the rye-bread.  The ground erupts with demonic monkey-children and furniture comes to life, installing a despotic regime (1d6 dmg/day plus confusion  effects, save vs. poison once a day to come to your senses)

26. Revelers of the Goddes of Dentures volunteer to knock your teeth out but expect donations. Some of the townsfolk actually happily pay up, and tell you you will find mamtaftic demptures undr your millow the next day.
(You will find dentures under your pillow the next morning, delivered by 1d4th level thieves during the night. Their value is at about 50% of what you donated the day before. People who don't donate money will get a number of random teeth from random people (1-in-20 chance they're all yours).

27. Ergativity outbreak: it becomes unclear who is the subject and who the object of actions. After it's over, decide by die roll if the players robbed or were robbed, the townsfolk burned themselves or something else etc.

28. Witch Hunt! Foreigner/Traveling woman (PC or otherwise) accused of responsibility for fatal overnight combustion of a pair of townschildren and a portion of their cabin. Angry Mob led by militant preachers scour town for evidence/witches/occult-objects/justice.

29. Scandal in the marketplace as it is discovered that someone has been tainting the flour with chalk and other, less wholesome, substances. Fingers point at the miller, the merchant and the baker but each denies it was them.

30. A previous (alleged?) "conquest" from the player's night of drunken debauchery comes waddling up extremely pregnant, priest in tow, "How dare you leave me, you bastard!" 

31. Low level minion comes to town in disguise. Offers PC valuable help or insight if they kill his rival/boss on their next trip in. 1 in 6 chance its a setup.

32. That person you were speaking to yesterday. The one who was going to do that thing for you. Yes them. They've vanished. What's more nobody else has any idea who you're talking about. Even the ones who introduced you or were there. 

33. Weeping widows of the slain come to town and harangue PCs for their crimes.

34. PC wakes up, discovering that previous trip was actually eerie prophetic dream. Everything reset. Things may play out differently next time. (You keep the xp though.)

35. A cowled and cloaked redhead brushes hastily into a secluded PC, taking their hand and insistently pressing upon them a (d6): 1; Severed Finger, 2; Bloody Scarf, 3; Runic Tattoo, 4; Map, 5; Potion, 6; Magical, long lived worm of continual light. She whispers "Thank you. It's.... Just be careful" sincerely, before kissing said PC lightly on the cheek and fleeing from the sounds of a pursuing mob.

36. A silver man who is hard of hearing asks passersby the direction to the shop of the tinker named Dr Giraham Klark.

37. That person you were speaking to yesterday. The one who was going to do that thing for you. Yes them. They've vanished. What's more all the locals think you're responsible. 

38. There's some recruiting for the king's army going on, every healthy and able person who's not a vassal or tenant is pressed into service. War is coming.

39. Somebody (burned all crops/killed all cattle) and now hell breaks loose as everybody tries to hoard as much food as possible. Also, people (PCs) may be blamed (for disturbing monsters better left alone).

40. A group of youths cruelly harass a man wearing eyeshades and carrying a cane. They will be found the next morning slain with a long, slender blade.

41. Some slave traders arrived at the market, selling people the PCs may know.

42. A "bathrobed" prophet comes to town alone, claiming to know the answers to all your questions. However his answers are cryptic and explains away any confusion by claiming that inquirers do not really understand their questions. He gatherings a significant following and leaves with a significant group in tow. They never return but he may be encountered, alone, in other towns.

43. Agents of Continental/State authority pass through town, taking census and checking legitimacy of vagrants, bohemians etc. Illegals of insufficient evasion/bribery/bluffing skill are awarded (d3): 1; Fine D6x100gp, 2; 1D10 Lashes (1 damage each, save for half), or 3; Escorted to nearest city for processing.

44. Invasion! A nearby enemy has marched an army on the town and either a) (if walls) has the town surrounded and supply lines cut-off or b) (no walls) is engaged in a pitched battle with local guard/militia/townsfolk.

45.  While the PCs were raiding the dungeon, a party of dungeon denizens was raiding the town and stole all the healing potions/scrolls, which they will henceforth be using.

46. Local Baron/Burgermeister/Warlord demands levies of D10% of population's wealth, military service, or any able mounts for a raid/war/defence.

47. A prestigious mercenary company is also passing through, recruiting and flooding the market with bits of loot from their last campaign.

48. Community Chest! Random PC is the lucky recipient of the annual village prize, a randomly allocated Community Chest containing: 1 potion, 2D100gp, A fine handcrafted Cap/Scarf/Belt/or Boots, Glazed Ham, Fruit platter, fine scotch and a sturdy, embroidered blanket. CHA check to see if villagers are supportive and cheerful or sour and resentful.

49. The circus is in town! 

50. A group of 10d100 refugees arrives, fleeing an enemy heading this way. Denizens are (packing their stuff, too/trying to get rid of the refugees).

51. The city wall is being reinforced: 1) A moat is being dug out 2) a layer of brick is added 3) iron staffs are driven 10 feet into the ground to keep out tunnelers and sappers 4) new towers added 5) reinforced gates 6) double portcullises put in place. 
The work done is is of 1-2) questionable, 3-4) normal 5-6) outstanding quality due to/despite 1-2) heavy bribing of the work force 3-4) the burgers financing this themselves 5-6) the queen paying for the security of her subjects.

52. You buy very smelly cheese rations. Very smelly.

53. Brawl! PCs aggressed by braviards whilst vulnerable in bathrooms/bedrooms/bar etc. D6 damage to each PC (or resolve an unarmed combat against 6 professional ruffians).

54. The PCs learn that another adventuring party has beaten them to something/quest they were planning to do/go after.
55. A scruffy young man offers the party 10gp to paste up a stack of posters around town. Non-locals must make an appropriate skill check to realize the posters are seditious before they get caught carrying them.

56.  During the night a horse/amorous couple/stableboy knocks over a lamp in the Inn's stables.  You awake to the smoke as the Inn itself catches fire.  Grab what you can!

57. You happen to bump into an extremely important NPC who is (perhaps uncharacteristically) alone and could use some assistance. This could go very well or very poorly for you.

58. Harvest, repairs, wrangling, weird rituals or some other business needs some extra doing, offering able bodied PCs a chance to earn 2D6gp each (or more if they can save a bunch of labour with magic). CHA check to befriend some local colleague/employer.

59. A lovely moon shines down on the city tonight, and it's unusually mild and nice. People bring out benches and barbeques, and relish in a night that is as peaceful as it should be.

60. Fire! The baker's catches alight during the night and is quickly engulfed. Fire spreads quickly across the merchant district and threatens the surrounding town. There is a 4/6 chance that the fire could burn for days, dying down then rekindling when everyone's guard is down. Unless drastic action is taken most of the town could be consumed.
Rumours spread even faster than the flames that the fire is no accident. Outsiders are blamed and many are attacked by angry locals. The local Nobles send out their own agents to protect important outsiders but others are murdered in the streets. 
The PCs, irrespective of personal standing and acts of heroism, are liable to come under attack by locals during and after the blaze. 
After the fire the town eventually recovers, with a new street layout and innovative architecture. 

61. Returning to the hostel, a small crowd chokes the street, some in retreat. Loud retching can be head near the front of the crowd. 1D6 individuals stand outside the the hostel doubled over dry heaving or actively void their bowels. More stumble from the inns doors in varied states of distress. And this is where you're sleeping!

62. Everybody in the town is the Padre's protégé, and so are you if you stay for more than one night. Payday.

63. There are a whole heap of filthy, spiteful rats in a bunch of the town's basements, and the PCs are offered D6x50gp/XP to clear the things out. It's filthy work and no hiding it; participants must save CON/poison or take D6 damage and lose 2 from all attributes for D3 days from illness.

64.  You accidentally run afoul of a silly and ridiculous local ordinance (such as camels can only cross in the middle of the street or hats may not have a purple feather on Tuesdays).  Whether or not it is true, the watch patrol is shaking you down for a donation for the Watchmen's Benevolent Association.

65. Nuns Errant, robed in grey and rusty orange, shuffle into town, bearing censers, wagons and animals. For inflated prices they sell combat trained foxes, cruel copper spiders, clerical scrolls, foreign maps, tomes of fact, tomes of fiction, everburning candles, love potions and graceful, glorious steeds with shimmering bronze manes.

66. One of the town's priests tells everybody to cover their door posts with the blood of a lamb because an angel of his/her deity will come this night and kill everybody who didn't follow the advice. The denizens (do as told/hang the priest), the angel (does appear/doesn't appear). 

67. Census.  The forces that be need to take down everyone's name, age, and riffle through their stuff in order to estimate their worth.

68. Manic Itinerant Preacher, Edson De Villiers, employs logical fallacies and insulting rhetoric to rally impressionable youths in the town square for questionable forest cult membership (Future quest?). CHA check by sufficiently angered and inspiring PC may break up the foolishness and sway D6 youths (light irregular infantry) to join them for meagre food and pay.

69 Farmers' fair. Farmers from around six hexes come to town to show off their bestest produce. As tradition demands, the first price is a choice of an oxen or a cart full of second price entrants.

70. Villager of D100 years and random gender is dragged into the streets and savagely beaten with stikkes. Dies of wounds and eaten by stray cats/badgers in D6 hours, alone in the street, wailing and in agony.

71. A noble's wedding isn't perfect without some colorful guests like the PCs.

72. A noble's wedding isn't perfect without some colourful attraction... like some wretched, unnatural creature, dragged from the cursed depths and locked in a cage for entertainment. Reward of HDx100gp for any such creatures delivered in the next D10 days, doubled if sufficient discretion allows the noble to claim responsibility.

73: A breeding program is executed in this town, everybody with an ability score of 16+ in Str, Con, Dex, or Cha qualifies automatically and is asked for participation (10d10 gp per offspring).

74: A Freakshow Carnival comes to town! Carnival Barkers attempt to recruit all demi-humans maybe even resorting to kidnapping if they are particularly freakish. Rigged games of chance have a base  10% chance of success and 50% of the time return counterfeit coin or cursed prizes.

75: In the middle of the night, a cat wanders into where the PC's sleep, and speaks to one of them (random roll), "foretelling" her/his death the next day. Said PC must save vs fear in the first combat encounter of the next day.

76. In combination with the city's coldest month, it's also Earthquake season and a minor tremor has busted all the door locks in a particular residential district. Looters abound.

77. A band of (half orc barbarians/giants/half ogres) has come to town, offering their services for 1d10 gp/person and day. Several nobles and guild leaders are intrigued to settle their quarrel with their help.

77. It's the annual ballgame with the next closest town! 80% of the citizens are out somewhere between this town and the next. Mobs from both towns try to get the "ball" inside the limits of the opposing polity.
78. A random Petty God is in town, doing their thing:

79. You "win" the Traveler Lottery. (as in: Shirley Jackson)

80. The gates are locked behind you as enter and the ward is quarantined; time to bust out the plague masks. What kind of Death is it? [1] Black; [2] Red; [3] Blistering White; [4] Divine retribution for something the PCs did. 

81. You wake up in the morning to a mob gathered outside the inn. They are (coin toss) [heads]: Devotees and would-be sycophants;  [tails]: Religious fanatics calling for your death.   

82. Enough people have gone missing that someone has noticed. Investigation reveals it's slavers from the coast, taking people downriver packed in barrels. They have that jiggly amber guck all over them, like you find in a canned ham.

83. Kensai-equivalent seeks out party warrior, demanding a duel. Beat her and (1d4): [1] You get to keep her weapon; [2] She swears fealty for a year and a day; [3] She returns in a week with her followers and kills you and everyone who witnessed her loss; [4] She dogs you as a villain for a few episodes before siding with you against a greater threat.      

84. Sellswords' Candlemas: If the PCs light a black candle for, and can recount the name of every PC and hireling that has passed since the formation of the company, they earn a +d4 bonus to Luck until the next new moon. (Miss any and their ghosts haunt you until you put their spirits to rest.)

85. Streets filled with local religious festival, potentially involving fasting (50%), feasting (70%), self-flagellation (40%), sacrifice (40%, with rolls under 10% indicating human sacrifice) and abstaining from normal business practices (80%). Festival lasts 1d12 days; participation or lack of participation are equally likely to cause offense unless the characters are charming (charisma check) or familiar with the rites (intelligence check for clerics).

86. A funeral procession for a beloved, local mage or cleric. Dozens of students, followers, henchmen, fans, etc. The crew from a rival school/church have set an ambush and will attack!

87. Doppleganger disguised as apprentice causes explosion at local pyromancer's guild. It is possible several experimental lab specimens have escaped.

88. Wolfschuhnacht - Every year on this date an indefinite number of wolves stroll into town wearing striped woolen socks on every paw. The locals know to leave at least 2 pairs of old shoes or boots outside their door for the wolves, but it's been happening so long they didn't think they had to tell the PCs about it. 

89. A 1d4-th level assassin is hired to kill one of the player characters.

90. While sitting watching the bustle of the town one random PC dozes off. They awake to find their purse gone.

91. Unintended Consequences: If the PCs engage in a interior brawl, there is a 1-in-4 chance a lantern gets knocked over. The resulting conflagration destroys d100% of the town. 

92. One of the PCs gets a sudden craving for a delicacy from their home town. They must make a save versus something Wisdom related or take a -2 to all tasks for 2d6 days or until they can satisfy their craving.

93. People see strange things in a building in town. 50% chance it's really haunted.

94. While sitting around waiting for something the party rogue finds themselves in the perfect position to engage in some petty larceny. 

95. A continuously enlarging man shouting "STERN!" tries to smash his way out of the town. A small group of adventurers pursue him.

96. While sitting together in a tavern the party are approached by an elderly man in a cowled robe. He offers them a job. (1d6)
1-3) He needs someone to do his gardening or similar chores.
4) He is a member of a secretive mystery cult and had lost a vital piece of cult paraphernalia which he needs help recovering.
5) He's mistaken them for assassins and wants them to kill someone. 
6) It's a setup. His lackeys are waiting to ambush the party at a prearranged location.

97. Damn that Ale Was Strong: Fort save, DC 10 / Save vs. Poison. On a failed save, make d6 rolls on the Carousing Table. 

98. Hellmouth. Without warning the workhouse/orphanage collapses into a pitch black sinkhole. Besides the cloud of dust dissipating from the hole, only the highest peak of the roof can be seen, everything else fading to blackness. The screams of the dying or about to die carry on the hot air pouring from the hole: "It's after ME! Help!" is heard over and over.

99. PC is approached by a mongrel (1d7) [1] house cat; [2] small but vicious dog; [3] monkey; [4] pseudodragon; [5] sad-eyed golem; [6] large rat; [7] not-quite-evil-enough imp. If treated with kindness, becomes pet/familiar. 

100. Weather changes dramatically and unexpectedly; reroll on weather table, or change fair weather to foul and vice-versa.  Roll twice on following table, once for actual cause and once for the generally accepted cause by locals:
1. Rogue wild magic in the area,
2. Spell cast by nearby spellcaster,
3. Intervention of the gods,
4. Result of the prayers at the local temple.
5. Freak weather patterns,
6. Prophecy or Seeing,
7. Previously unknown ability of a magical item the PCs are carrying,
8. A shifting of the planes blurring realities together.


This table exists because I needed one last night and was forced to use a a shitty one in an even shittier published product which required you to roll 2d6 2-3 times on tables spread out over 4 pages.

I really love that, right before I go to bed I can write "Ok we need a d100 table of town events while you're resting to go back into the dungeon" and I wake up and it's done, no entries need to be edited out, there's no gazebo jokes, maybe a thimbleful of typos and it's at least twice as good as the thing in the overpriced published product.

Truly a tribute to the power of knowing who to kick out of your Google plus circles.